Date: Sat, 29 Jul 2006 19:28:59 -0400
Subject: [C-L]_ Notes from NC
{Reposted with permission of the author}
Cohousers: I sent these notes to our forming community - CohoDC - and I thought others might be interested. The sessions I attended at the North Carolina conference were excellent and I came away with lots of useful information on many of the topics we're dealing with right now.
I was impressed with the willingness of so many veteran Cohousers to share their wisdom and experience. In recounting our first months, a number of people encouraged us to continue our work of defining who we are and how we choose to operate before focusing all of our energy on buying and developing land. Often, I heard variations of the phrase, "I wish we had done that in the beginning."
I found that the notes I took didn't always fit neatly into the subjects of the sessions. So I've created the categories listed below and included a collection of comments from all of the facilitators, generally without attribution. If you want to know who specifically made a certain comment I'll try to find it for you.
Facilitation
Some techniques to consider when people take you off topic, or take cheap shots at others, or talk too long:. Refer them to the ground rules.. Or say, "I want to make sure everyone has a chance to speak.". When two people are arguing, sometimes all that is needed is to stand between them.. When someone is having a side conversation, walk over and put a hand on her shoulder as you continue the discussion on your topic.. "Stack" questions so you can tell someone who interrupts that he must get in line. This also gives the group faith that if they raise their hands they won't be losing out to the big voices in the room. If you have difficulty remembering the order of the stack, ask someone to keep track for you.
When you feel you may be in over your head:
- Have a pre-arranged signal to a process team or member who can intercede when you feel you can't handle something in the moment.
- Stop the process even if you don't have an idea what comes next. "I'm feeling lost and I need to stop for a moment. You can sometimes ask the group for help or another facilitator for help.
The role of the group:
"The meeting is the responsibility of the community" - Establish that as a norm. Stop Sliding Down a Slippery Slope: If someone is being disrespectful, it is the obligation of anyone who notices it to name it. Even if you aren't facilitating the meeting you can say, "I don't feel we're being respectful. If it continues I'll have to leave. So if I do, I want to let you know why I'm leaving.". Raising two hands indicates a process problem and takes precedence over other questions.. The authority of the facilitator must be defined and agreed to by the group and the facilitator - and preferably be in writing in the rules of the community.
Miscellaneous techniques:
Altitude: Tell the group what level of discussion you're having. If you say you are at 10,000 feet - a high-level summary - and someone is going into too much detail it is easier to intervene.
When someone persists in disruptive behavior, use graduated techniques. "From a feather to a hammer." For example, when someone is calling a member names, start by reminding him of the ground rules; if he persists, warn him the behavior can't be tolerated; finally, ask him to leave the meeting. Have many such responses thought out ahead of time.
Some people like to stand to project more authority.
When you're having difficulty getting to the heart of an issue, try going around the room and giving everyone two or three minutes to sift through things and reveal the issues. Let people express their emotions. Don't interrupt or let others interrupt.
When two or three people feel strongly about something and have differing views and it's getting hot, sometimes it helps to declare time for "shameless lobbying." Put them on a soap box - a desk or chair - and have them really try to sell their idea for a set time -two or three minutes. Often they end up laughing at themselves while they are doing it but it gives them a chance to emote.
Don't lie.
Thework.com offers free facilitation.
Vision & Purpose
Defining your mission statement, common values and agreements, decision style, should be done early in your community's development or you will spend much more time and have many more disagreements later on. You will still have many disagreements later on - but not as many.
Mission Statement, Common Values and Agreements must be accessible to potential new members. Plus, you must have good, detailed minutes to show how you arrived at a decision or policy. A cohousing rule of thumb: "Never underestimate the ability of a Community to forget what it agreed to - or why." Newbies should be able to read the minutes. It gives them facts and nuance if they are well-written and thorough.
Tell newbies about your culture and traditions - for example, if you start a meeting with a moment of silence. These are things that are not written down but could be embarrassing to a new person if he doesn't know about them.
Diversity
Welcoming diversity is like favoring apple pie. Be specific. What do you mean by it?
How do you get racial diversity? Start with people of color in your group; join groups of people of color; build in a community that has people of color.
Eastern Village: Jesse Handforth Kome said they succeeded in having racial diversity when they moved in but haven't been able to sustain it at the same level.
Jamaica Plains, Boston area, may be the most racially diverse community in the U.S., at about 25 or 30 percent.
Accessibility
It is much easier and cheaper than I had imagined to integrate accessibility into new communities. In this session, Eleanor Smith, a disabilities activist who has been in a wheelchair since contracting polio in 1956, explained what's needed to provide minimum accessibility and "visitability" (which enables wheelchair users to visit other homes): One zero-step entrance into a first floor; slightly wider doors; one accessible half-bath and one room that can be converted to a bedroom on the first floor. That's it. For more information go to:
http://www.uiowa.edu/infotech/universalhomedesign.pdf
Policies & Practices
A policy for revisiting decisions is necessary or one or two people will always be opening them up again.
You must develop and articulate the way you communicate with one another, how you process things, and how you resolve conflicts in the early stages of your development as a community.
Sunset Guidelines: When two policies conflict and nobody is sure which is best you can decide to do one for six months, then switch and do the other for six months.
How much do you want to be in each others' lives? There is a range from hermits to joined-at-the-hips. You've got to discuss this and reach some sort of agreement early in your formation. For example, around group meals, group meetings, committee participation, and recreation. A potential new member should be able to have a good idea about which kind of group he is considering joining.
The perfect policy or set of guidelines doesn't exist. You can't anticipate every variation. Do what you can in the time you have and move on. Revise when appropriate.
What behaviors could result in loss of rights or expulsion? It could be patterned problems. For example, calling people assholes all the time in meetings. It could be a clear and present danger - someone threatening a child. It could be a persistent violation of various standards of behavior. Define the behavior and write it down.
Rights and Responsibilities: Be specific. If you have a work policy: how many hours? What kind of work qualifies? How do you monitor it? What are the consequences? How can someone appeal a decision? This stuff must be written down. You will still have governance problems, but fewer of them.
When people disobey rules, use a graduated series of responses; for example, first a comment, then a warning, then a written warning with expulsion being the last on the list if the problem is serious enough. People must know how the discipline process works.
Governance Team: Resolves disputes and has an extensive written record of policies and procedures to refer to.
How do you measure values? Take racial diversity, for example. It can range from "we welcome it," to "we require it and will exclude others in order to get it." Greenness: from "we recycle" to "we don't own cars", to "we don't ride in cars" to "we don't even look at cars." Put down as many ways to define the value as you can think of and then have each member identify the spot on the scale that most closely matches their personal definition.
Rules of Engagement - these are all about process. What license do facilitators have? Be specific. How are agendas set? How are they changed?
What is worthy of the whole group's time? Define it.
Changes to existing agreements: Always ask why. You must be able to answer that question to the group's satisfaction before reopening the discussion.
Involuntary Loss of Rights: By what process will behavior be examined? How will you protect privacy of people? How will you protect people's rights?
Membership
Should a group have a policy for rejecting potential members? Yes, say the facilitators who talked abut this issue. This is why you need guidelines. Does someone fit with your mission, values, and rules? If not, you must tell them why. Don't wimp out on this. They have a right to know why. Make sure they know your expectations in the beginning.
Have someone take new visitors to a meeting aside to explain what the group expectations are and who can participate in dialog or decision-making.
Membership requirements should include:
- An agreement to be available for feedback from every other member of the group about their behavior as a member of that group.
- A willingness to work on conflict.
Conflict
Working in the full group on a conflict between two people allows the whole group to experience the visceral reaction of resolution.
Conscious Healing: After a big conflict, even though it has been resolved, it still may be necessary for people to get their feelings out and to apologize if necessary. This creates a sense of safety and is cathartic for the whole group. Sometimes it is appropriate to bring in an outside facilitator who is a skilled healer - or someone in the group may be good at that if they weren't a party to the conflict.
Willingness to work on conflict should be a membership requirement.
It is helpful to learn some things about each member before there is a conflict. How do you like to be responded to when you are upset? Some people like a momentary pause so they feel they've been heard. Some like a measured, unemotional response. Ask what works so people can effectively ask questions or request something.
Disputes will arise around labor. Usually between "martyrs" who think they do far more than their share of the work and "slackers" who may not be doing their share.
You need a model for dealing with big conflicts.
Carol Robinson, Shadow Lake, Blackburg, VA. [Carolrslv.com] She has a model for dealing with conflict that can work even if it doesn't involve your adversary in the process. (I have the model but haven't used it yet).
Culture
Family of Origin: You bring that culture with you and it affects your behavior in many ways. For example, people from the Northern hemisphere are more likely to be calm, reasoned, moderate. Those from the Southern hemisphere are more likely to include lots of talk and interruptions. It is helpful to know this stuff because it will be an issue in your meetings.
What is your meeting culture? What is your style? How do you work with differences?
Tell newbies about your culture and traditions - for example, if you start a meeting with a moment of silence. These are things that are not written down but could be embarrassing to a new person if she doesn't know about them.
Miscellaneous
Learn consensus before practicing it. |
